thinking loudly

2006-12-17T23:50:00.000-08:00

Saving Myself - Flying Away

Depression sucks.

I can't help but gripe about how life sucked in general for 2006.

More work as a reward for a previous work done wonderfully. The serious lack of any love life and even a sex life. The loss of friends - good friends at that. The constant anxiety I face knowing that both my parents can die anytime - dad from kidney failure and mom due to psychological disorders.

Through all of this, I pretty much wondered how I managed to be here today. Breathing, smiling as I think of words to put on this blog, listening to Moony's Flying Away as I attack the keyboards on this laptop.

I guess I am sane enough to recognize that there is no way I am giving up on life. That there is always a reason to live and that there's always tomorrow to look forward to.

That may sound like I'm some wishful-romantic freak. I am not. I'm realistic. I'm practical. But I know that hope is one thing that makes me human.

If it weren't for my friends' constant manner of reminding me of how to live and how to laugh, I guess the last thing that people would get to read regarding myself would be the words engraved on my grave - I dared to live. I survived as long as I could. Now I surrender myself to the freedom of death.

If it weren't for fictionpress - being asked to read something from that site and eventually being brave enough to open my own account and post my own work then I would have been reduced to ashes by now as I would have long embraced the shadow that claims everyone at some point.

I saved myself this year, might not be something news worthy but I guess it's an achievement non the less.

2005-08-29T18:43:00.000-07:00

22 and counting

next month i'll be celebrating my 22nd birthday
it's not that bad actually...
i'm here working and living a life that is not actually what i really want but hey at least it's something that i have complete control off

but whats bugging me is the fact that i still lack one fundamental experience - being romantically involved with someone

perhaps its not that life defining - being romantically involved per se
because i am involved in different relationships that never lacks love - friends and family
and i also have people who can help me with issues concerning the physical department
but how i wish i can bestow on someone the gift of myself - and together we will grow forward to whatever direction we both wish to take

but talk about wishful thinking...
i am yet to find someone who's willing to committ to a life of love with me
22 years and i'm still a member of the No BoyFriend Since Birth society

its not that i lack the opportunity
for i have had several people showing their interest to hook up with me
but what turns me off is that i have deduced guys advancement
as motivated by 2 factors:
SEX and MONEY
more on the former than the latter

how i wish i can find someone like HIM
HIM being the first ever person that i have shared my love with
the story didn't end the way that i wanted it
but it did leave me with valuable lessons

pain lurks in the corner of every loving relationship
but the pain that love brings often gives us the insight in appreciating fully the power of love
i have always been ready to love
but i guess the person that i have had the chance to meet does not share my views

there are times that i wish to become a hopeless romantic
but the practical nature of my personality always have a greater pull
here i am wishing to be romantically involved with someone yet unbelieving in the dynamics of romance

i never wanted to join the race of the mediocre
and for me, romance is a mediocre version of love
its just like looking at love with rose-colored lenses
everything looks so sweet and attractive
but love is beyond romance
i believe that it is a committment for spiritual growth for both partners

perhaps i am destined to spend the rest of my life alone
moving amongst my friends and family
yet never really belonging to someone

22 years and counting
what would the coming years bring?

2005-06-21T17:18:00.000-07:00

the promise

March 30, 2000: i was busily preparing my stuff for the last hoorah of 4A batch 2000. We graduated a few days ago and this is supposed to be a farewell outing for the whole lot. Something i'm actually not keen in attending because i hate to think that we would all part ways to seek our own places in life. But i'm tingling with anticipation - I can't bear to see the look of the guys faces with what i plan to do there - plus promises were made by some of the guys that i would be in for a good time with them.

Donning black capri pants, white lacy figure-hugging top and white nike sneakers; i headed off to where we were to meet for the trip to the beach. On the ride to this private resort that we were renting, i sat beside sebastian* and i was aware that macs* was staring daggers at me for that. But nobody can do nothing since we were moving and so the raunchy class went along with the trip with healthy banters, sebastian* was leading the torment but when other guys start throwing jokes at my expense he suddenly defends me. A funny behavior considering that we were not what you can consider as friends. But the sweetest thing that happened was when we were nearing the resort and we get to pass a dirt road, i was bent over trying to cover my face from the onslaught of dust when all of a sudden he grabbed me and took hold of my face and and laid it over his chest and hugged me so i was covered from the dust. When we went down, Macs* was definitely fumming mad at me - he happens to be smitten by him since 6th grade.

The whole time I was interacting with the guys (we were from an exclusive boys school) hints were dropped left and right, barely containing the underlying sexual connotations of their sentences and gestures.That made up for a total lack of exciting things to do, aside from the fact that one friend who got dead drunk earlier on the party was creating quite a scene with the kind of mess that he was and blabbing our little secrets to those willing to listen. As for me, moving forward, i took stock of my options: I could spend a comfortable time with vincent*, i can try to seduce july* who introduced me into the world of sex, francis* was there who always wanted to do it with me but we never really had the chance, douglas* was hotter than ever plus i've always longed for him since 6th grade, i can also just be content with carl's* lip-locking games, there's ben* who has been tailing me all night, and of course sebastian* who promised me something that night - who also happens to be my friend macs'* all-time crush.

Funny but it would seem that the night picked the guy for me. Most of the time I was with sebastian* snuggling while chatting with the group, drawing curius stares because we were giving butterfly kisses to each other, and speaking so near each others face that only a hair strand stops us short from locking lips.We were never really close not even friends but on recent times we were physically drawn towards each other.

__________________________________________
It all started during the 3rd quarter of our senior year in high school. Sebastian* and I became seat mates, and for a miniscule amount of time, we existed in our own world in class. He would always put his arms around me and move his seat closer to mine and always held my hands during class - come end of class, we dont know each other outside the four walls of our classroom. Then on our retreat, we slept together.We made peace and we slept side by side snuggling untill our moderator was not able to know where my body ends and where his starts. All the while it didn't matter to me.He was just one of the guys and i'm used to those stuff.
A few days after graduation we were in a party, he was sitting on a couch, leg spread wide-open to accomodate me so i can sit in front of him and amidst all the laughter and talks that was passing through that day, he whispered into my ear and told me something that jolted me out of my drunken stupor - he wanted me and he wants it to happen on our outing and it was a promise.
__________________________________________

I never told anyone about the promise, not even my best friend. I though it'll happen when it happens - and it did HAPPEN! At one point during the whole night, Sebastian* invited me to go into the room with him. We were not alone - it was teeming with sleeping people. So we never really had a change to do what he had in mind. He was top-less and his belt was loose, i was lying on his stomach facing his throbbing member that was already on my lips. He acted as if sleeping, but i know he wasn't, i played with his package with my hands and he had precum leaking but i didn't continue, i was so distracted by Thor* who was pressing his tool on my behind moaning loudly. He got up and went outside and i stayed in the room thinking damnable thoughts - he was macs* boy i shouldn't have flirted with him.

A few hours before daybreak i went out, he was on a matt on the sand sleeping beside my bestfriend. I snuggled beside him andf he offered his arm as a pillow, and i slept. I was slowly roused because he was rubbing himself on my back. I faced him, and i slid my hand inside his undies, and he loosened his belt for me. The hand action took some time, and we were actually covered with a blanket, feigning sleep. I was strangely aware, that there was someone crying and i was able to pick up the source of hush murmurs. Somwhere on the top tower, macs* was with vincent* and other friends where consoling him that nothing could possibly happen as out in the open that we were positioned that everyone can see us. But sebastian* has had his sweet release and we just snuggled together and slept till the sun was up.

I went home tired and with a hang over that seemed to be slowly killing me. When at last I was able to think things through, I felt as if i was pretty. Nothing would actually affirm ones beauty best than being chosen, and he chose me not macs* (imagine how twisted i could be with those toughts). However i felt guilty, because macs was my friend and although they were never a couple, not even an item, i know macs* was dying because of that betrayal. But life just had to progress so nothing else significant happened. A few years back i told macs* about it and he was cool with it and we both saw him at a private party and still he was with me the whole time, still being sweet and all - but i didn't fell anything. He was just a boy in my past who once promised me something that as sweet as i thought it was then, it could never have amounted to anything - i was just a willing accomplice in the game of sexual exploration that at one point it showed me that sex is not reason enough to throw away a friend.

*names have been changed to protect privacy

2005-06-21T13:22:00.000-07:00

circle of friends

don - a former biology student who is now taking nursing;the socialite of the gang; always up with the latest in fashion and gadgets; a talented designer who has made his own network of clients; at 300 lbs he pampers himself with the best things money can buy to make up for the insecurity he has that is his physique

francis - a business management graduate; cyber prostitution is his game;the lovable villain who was caled to join the lord twice - due to apendicitis and pre-tubercolosis; the cause of all the hatred and animosity that spuns the web of the circle

borgy - the most wayward of the lot; indulges in sex and drinking withtotal abandon; always at odds with his mom blaming her for all the things that has happened in his life; the perennial junior in college who only seems to do well in class if he has good friends as classmates

patrick - the butt-of-all jokes; considered as the ugly duckling; he resents all the barkada for treating him as trash though he is well loved by them all; also stuck in the junior level in college, dreams life to be more meaningful; lives life hoping for the day that he can show the other five that he can be something - which as this rate he could only wallow in self pity for life is going nowhere

audee - the indifferent one; a biology graduate taking up nursing;an active athlete, who easily gets developed with his guy buds; the virgin of the group for he is the least experimental when it comes to that area

bej - the brainiac, blush-on-queen who blabbers a lot; active in student politics and makes a point to make the others feel their academic ineptness; an irritating individual when he is allowedspeech but is a good-listener and most of the time gives the rest ofthem sound and solid points to ponder

6 different highly strung-up individuals. Each with their own idiosyncracies and eccentric behaviors converge to form a circle of friends that is percieved by their peers as superficial. Yet as groups of friends around them began to fall apart - they manage to remain an indestructible force to contend with. A lot of other peopleattempted to join them but never stayed for long. Not that they are elitist, but they do stick to certain codes of behavior to project their individuality.

A lot of infightings has brought upon a lot of pressure for the groupto disband. Yet what seems to be a sado-masochistic relationship actuallysurvived and is growing stronger. When the whole gang is complete - havok could barely describe the effect that they can give to the world.Oblivious to other people they go about things with cunning and deliberateperformance that most of the time would leave people wondering what in theworld has become to those faggots.

Despite those kind of harsh projections the circle made for the benifitof the outside world, they are somewhat a subdued group. For what theyare worth, there have been much room to develop a lasting friendship.The reason why the are still together despite all the set backs they hadencountered as a group is that they consider each other family - and ina family, nobody gets left behind. They have learned that all throughouttheir tumultuous time in the early years of their frienship, they alwayscome back to each other - for help, understanding, comfort and love for nobody knows them better than each other. Like a circle, theirfriendship will never end. They see themselves like a rainbow, each colorunique and vibrant but together they are boundless, breathtaking and beautiful.

2005-06-19T14:22:00.000-07:00

society dictates

all my life i have tried hard to blend well into the crowd
there is always this solace that you find in belongingness
but lately the society that i have grown to respect - has shown me a facet that i abhor
and the society that i once loved became something i passionately hate!
for it was society who took away my first chance at LOVE

growing up different (if being gay spells the difference then be it!), i have always been careful
with what i do
i shy away from situations that can compromise my respectability
i did my part to be a productive individual as young as i was
i was respected by my peers for always having a proper demeanor on things
well all that was for nothing - for i was not allowed to be with the one i love

we've been together for three years
dubbed as partners in crime - inseparable in and out of the campus
he was a student political figure - i was behind his successes (according to him)
proximity did not render me immune to the charms that he exude
we were so in touch with our personalities
he is the only person that i can sit with in companionable silence
as time passed by, we fought over petty stuff: being late, not showing up for meetings
and we end up not speaking for a day, a week, and lastly a month
sometime around december 98 we were hanging out
we were discussing what happened, why we were drifting apart
from those sessions we found out that we love each other
we affirmed those truths
he promised me that through all the storms that we will face, he won't ever leave me behind

well we did love each other
but we were never a couple
we never went into romantic notions, both of us were not ready for that yet
he is not ready for a commitment - and i am just happy that i we have our friendship

but society dictates
and society interfered
other people started to bother us
what used to be a peaceful coexistence turned out to be a nightmarish event
as slowly, people started to meddle in our affairs
we were pressured to breaking point

what they could not undertstand was that:
we were just close friends who loved each other
the relationship was platonic
yet society frowned on such deviant liasons
untill his resolve crumbled and he had to stay away

for 11 months we excommunicated each other
which was pretty hard to do considering that we were in the same class and in the same circle
it was a pain in the ass working side by side again for class projects
but the partnership still worked and we were still a good team
despite the fact that we never had direct communication while working together

but society dictated that our friendship could not progress beyond that border
society messed up our friendship
it took us a few years to be comfortable with each other again
but a wall has been built and try as we might
to rebuilt what we had before
we only ended up hurting
for the beauty of what surrounds us
only seems to remind us of what we had then
that could never be recaptured